I tried to conceive for over three years. For some this isn’t that long, but for me it was a very dark period in my life. There were days of constant tears, isolation, and depression. The doctors told me that it would be hard for me to conceive without the help of IVF. After researching every fertility clinic in my area, we finally chose one in Mexico. We couldn’t afford treatment in the U.S.
It worked. I was ecstatic. Seeing Eli’s heartbeat on the monitor at 6.5 weeks was one of the best days of my life. I left the clinic walking on air.
My pregnancy turned into high risk, but this was okay in many ways because I got to have weekly ultrasounds. For a scared mama afraid of pregnancy loss those ultrasounds gave me a life line. Eli arrived full of vigor and sweetness. After 26 hours of labor and then a cesarean they placed him on my chest and our eyes connected. The second best day of my life. Fast forward 7 months and the little guy is thriving. Well, he did start daycare and has been sick constantly for 1 month. But this is building his immune system. Or this is what I keep telling myself because nonstop illness in an infant is rough. I’m a master at the rectal thermometer and snot sucker.
Also, a sick baby usually means a sick mommy and daddy. So, yes I became ill with a high temperature and nausea. Then the tiredness settled in and wouldn’t leave. I mean it wouldn’t leave. Then an idea pinged, maybe I was pregnant. No, I told myself. I’m infertile. Eli was a miracle. I pushed this thought away. I had just returned to work, lost all the baby weight, and had found myself a little bit again. The universe isn’t that cruel.
Two days later a Halo sack I had ordered for Eli arrived. I opened it and instead of sending me the blue one with cars, they sent me the pink one with flowers. I froze. You see right before I found out I was pregnant with Eli, a baby package I had sent to my friend was returned to me because I had written the wrong address. The wrong Halo sack sent alarms bells peeling through every crevice of my body. I literally had to sit down.
Still, I procrastinated taking a test. I couldn’t be pregnant. I’m 40 years old with a limited amount of eggs, a short luteal phase, and no desire to be a mom again so quickly. Yes, that’s true. I always knew that I wanted two but after having one, I know how much work it is and how much it takes to be a mom.
I found myself peeing on a stick, placing it on the counter, pressing start on the timer, and walking away. Memories flooded of doing the very same thing months before and not being able to tear my eyes away from the blinking light. The timer went off.
I am pregnant.
Yes, that’s right. The woman who thought she could never conceive without the help of science was pregnant without even trying and shocked to her core. I still am. I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around it. I’m freaking out. How did this happen? The only thing I can figure is I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. I joined Weight Watchers in December and the program is all about healthy eating. I don’t consume sugar, caffeine, or alcohol. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, nuts, and lean meats and fish. I exercise almost every day. I really took on the idea that all the exercise you really need is 22 minutes a day.
Still, I’m in shock. I know there are those who have struggled endlessly with fertility who would love to be in my shoes. Or those who have struggled and want a second child but cringe at the thought of going through the process again. Well, I must have activated my reproduction abilities because now I’m due to have a baby in December. IN DECEMBER! I don’t know whether to cry or jump for joy. I feel guilty about the crying part. I’m scared I won’t be able to handle another baby. I’m scared my husband will freak. And I’m tired. I feel nauseous. My house is dirty. Everything seems overwhelming.
I’m pregnant! Joyful yet scared.