Staying Positive

I found that after the shock wore off, I became giddy, then fearful. Since I know what it is like to be filled with so much excitement and hope over the coming birth of a child, only to have that taken away, it can be a little hard not to worry just a little bit. Last time, I even started to pick out car seats and baby daycare at 8 weeks. Now, I’m reticent. I have told some close friends and family members, but only because they knew I was going through the IVF process. I’m still yet to blast it from the rooftops. I have to remind myself that this time I’m different, everything is different. There is a difference in how I view my body and how I view being pregnant. I have to remember to trust my body. I have to remember that I beat the odds and this wasn’t by accident. It was because I believed I could and through changing my diet and daily habits. I must remember to keep my faith and know that this child is meant to be born now.

So on the first day of the New Year in 2015 I want to usher in the day with love and positive affirmations.

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Simply Positive

I’m really at a loss as what to write. For months, I had this post planned in my head. But today, I really am just thankful and in awe. Yesterday, my beta came back at 525. My husband took the call because I just couldn’t, and when he told me I screamed a little bit. I think I paced for awhile before I finally sat down to the realization that I am actually pregnant.

After the shock wore off, I took a pee test of my own. I needed to see the words written in a clear blue before I actually believed them. There were some promising signs that led up to this moment; some that could just be coincidence but I thought I would share them anyway. During the dreaded TTW I kept dreaming about the number 25. The morning of the beta I googled the number and the first sight I came to stated the 25 meant an intelligent child would be born. The number 25 is also my lucky number. It has been since I was 16 when I worked at Denny’s. It was my server number. The beta results also have the number 25 in them. The next coincidence was that the date of the beta test – the 27th of December – was the due date for the child I miscarried. So I found out I am pregnant again on the due date my first child would have been born.

Perhaps, none of these things mean anything. But for some reason I keep thinking about them. I do have some other physical signs (sore boobs, tiredness, and insomnia) but for the most part I wasn’t sure what the results would bring. I’m so thankful and happy. For those waiting for good news, my heart is still with you.

2 Days Out

I’ve resisted the urge to test before the scheduled beta. I’m now 13DP3DT. Up until today it was relatively easy. Now I just want to be past this TTW. I find that I’ve turned into some sort of zombie. I’m a zombie on Christmas. My husband has commented on how quiet I’ve become. I’m a hermit zombie with no desire for human flesh.

I’ve had all kinds of symptoms that could be from the progesterone supplements, all in my zombie mind, or from the real enchilada. The two main symptoms have been intense bloating and belly cramping. Yesterday, I felt like it was the day of retrieval when balloons of embies dangled off of my overworked ovaries, waiting to be relieved of their precious cargo. I, of course, have scoured multiple fertility sites and chat rooms for success stories with off and on cramping and sharp pains. The success stories have given me hope.

But, really there is no way to know.

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Hecho en Mexico

Not many people can say they saw their babies projected on a screen three days after conception. This may be one of the coolest aspects of going through IVF. It puts a whole new spin on, “I knew you when . . . ” One uncool aspect of IVF, besides the bloating, the uncertainty, the cost, and the silence, is the two week wait (I sometimes refuse to use acronyms). In this two week window, I’ve been reflecting mostly on the silence and the shadows of infertility. When one has cancer, I suppose this silence exists, but when the silence is broken, comes a flood of sympathy. When the silence of infertility is broken, well-meaning friends, co-workers, bosses, and family members say what may seem to them as helpful, things like, “Just relax, it’ll happen.” Or some will even tell you that they got pregnant the first month of trying, with both children. You listen and nod, not knowing what else to say. They can’t possible understand what it is like to have this total desire for child, something that every women seems to be able to do, but you. They can’t possible understand the sleepless nights or the fear that it may be too late. They can’t possible understand what it is like to live with unknown and not being able to control the outcome.

Some well-meaning friends even have children and regret them. Your viewed as someone enviable, with all the time in the world on your hands. Others, the sensitive ones, who started the fertility journey with you, but moved on, into mommy land, understand, but don’t know what to say. Guilt is what they feel when they see you. The conversations with them involve anything but babies and since it is exactly what is on both of your minds, the conversations basically evolve around nothing. Fluff. The wind.

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